Porn for Newbs

As someone who works on the cusp of mainstream and adult journalism, I get many a question about porn. Some people hate it and vehemently oppose content so blatantly explicit, while many people love it and aren't quite sure where to start out on the big, bad web. (For all you porno vets out there, I salute you—hopefully you will still get something out of this short lil' piece.) 

I get it—long before I began my career, I was timid about watching porn and not quite sure I agreed with the whole institution. That is, I wasn't sure until I really started watching and researching. (As I will reiterate many times here, being in tune with your sexuality is often at the intersection of personal experience/exploration and doing your homework. That's right, friends, it's time to NERD UP.) I die a little inside every time a woman's magazine lists literotica.com as a good porn source—don't get me wrong, it's fantastic for erotic fiction—so I thought I'd use the knowledge I've been accumulating and write a better one.

So if you're new to porn and curious about content you think you can enjoy—content that shows men and women having a badass time, content that doesn't polarize in the way of romantic-candlelit-dinners-follwed-by-sweet-slow-missionary or cringingly-inaccurately-bullshit—then where's a Drunkie to start? There are a million (no, literally—a million) places you can go, but I'll start you on your journey with a few suggestions. Porn is similar to movies and music in the sense that technically, the content you view for free online is pirated—I won't give you a consumer morality lesson here, but it's something to tuck away into the corners of your brain once you find performers and producers that you like. Shall we? (Note: These links are quite obviously NSFW.)

  • Tumblr. Tumblr porn might seem odd at first, as all the content is served up GIF-style, but it generally only features high-quality stuff and you're able to filter your searches based on tags. (Think: threesomes, anal, BDSM, missionary, girl on girl). Most performers will lament the lack of cred they get on Tumblr, so consider it a jumping off point to dive deeper into stuff that turns you on. (I call the Tumblr the "porn buffett." Hehe.)
  • Erika Lust. This woman is credited for changing the porn industry entirely, thanks to a mutual pleasure focus and art-like approach. It's a good option for people who prefer more of a back story and appreciate the time and effort that goes into good filmmaking. It's great for porn newbies and couples, and you can actually submit your own ideas or fantasies for her X Confessions series. 
  • Kink.com. The idea that women (and couples) only want soft, sensual porn is a load of bullshit. Most people fluctuate in terms of sexual moods and/or enjoy getting rough, and kink.com is one of the most reputable porn sites on the Internet. The focus is on BDSM and similar fetishes. Their logo is also a devil-tailed K, which I'm obsessed with for obvious reasons.
  • Make Love Not Porn: This follows a different business model than porn (if the name didn't tip you off), but it's an awesome place to watch real couples have sex and upload your own videos behind a paywall. (Gasp! Yes!) Cindy Gallop, the site's creator, is one of my OG career role models, and the concept is pretty damn awesome. There's a voyeur and an exhibitionist in all of us, and this a supportive place to indulge both.  
  • New Sensations: Tales from the Edge. This is a kind of porn that's not only well produced, but will also expand your idea of sexuality as a whole. Much of it is out-of-the-box content that features some of porn's most passionate performers, encompassing a way broader spectrum of sex than we're used to seeing, from rough and raw to a little more sensual to a peek into alternative lifestyles. Jacky St. James, an amazing and talented writer/director, does a lot of their content and I <3 her. 
  • Burning Angel. Tattoos. So many tattoos. It's amazing. Alt porn is some badass stuff, as is creator Joanna Angel. 
  • The "categories" section of most tube sites. There's one thing tube sites (PornHub, forhertube, RedTube, YouPorn, XHamster, etc.) are great for, and that's playing Porn Roulette. Many people have their go-to searches, but when you're learning about yourself (or feeling kind of bored), you can click on random categories and see how you respond. Most videos will be watermarked with the production studio so you can see more of something you really like (again, no porn is actually free). 

Pro tip: Bing.com is basically the slutty version of Google—if you want to check out brief snippets of this (and other) porn scenes before you make the plunge, just type the above stuff into the search bar. All of this is just a place to begin—make note of what you like, what dynamic and aesthetic you're into, and what performers/directors strike your fancy. (Being able to identify those people is also a great way to know what you're watching is legit.)

As always, if you have any questions, send them to drunksex312@gmail.com and feel free to leave a comment below. No dick pics, plz and thank you. 

Happy Hump Day, beautiful people!

- Katie 

Drunk Sex Stories: The Popped Cherry

Happy Hump Day, folks! We had a bunch of losing-your-v-card stories this week, so I picked out a few more to post here on the blog. It's a pretty good roundup that includes Magnum condoms, Groucho Marx, and spitting in the trash can. 

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The Park Bench

How I lost my virginity . . . to a rando . . . on a park bench . . . 

'Twas a beautiful midsummers night up in the luxurious Wisconsin Dells, and I, a fresh-faced adolescent with the robust confidence of someone who just earned the shit out of their eighth grade diploma, was on a little family get away to escape the rigors of the hell that is suburbia. The days fun had ended and as the rest of the family settled in for a rowdy night of watching TV (which I can only assume was SpongeBob or some program on Home and Garden Television) I headed down to the hotels gym to work on my fitness.

While working out I ran into two girls that appeared to be about my age. We started talking about working out and I remember them asking for advice on what exercises to do. So we started working out together. They were cousins, and as I came to find out much later in the night both significantly older than me. The hotter one made a comment along the lines of "do you know any good exercises to work your forearms?" - they giggled and I missed the joke completely. So next we started doing some rigorous forearm exercises... with the weights </3.

We goofed around and kept working out for some time until the gym closed about 11. As the three of us waited to get in the elevator, the not-as-hot-one stood behind a waist-high ficus and said something along the lines of "look at my bush". We all laughed (because I got the joke this time) and got in the elevator to take us to the main floor and I decided to walk with them back to the end of the resort they were staying on. When we started walking the hot one's phone rang, it was her boyfriend. She scampered away to talk to him and I walked back with the not-as-hot-cousin. We talked and laughed while we walked and she suggested that we go sit down and keep talking. I said okay - because I'm so good with words and shit. We found a bench and kept talking. Out of nowhere she kissed me! It was the second time I had ever kissed a girl and first time it wasn't as a result of spin the bottle... She took charge and we started messing around, clothes came off, and boom before you know it I WAS INSIDE OF A GIRL!

The next moments were a blur (probably because I'm sure it lasted 14 seconds in all of its glory). I came on the park bench, per her instructions. We got up put on our clothes and walked away from the scene of the crime (maybe semen of the crime...). Well, I was floating 3 feet of the ground and I'm sure she was more than disappointed lol. As we walked we exchanged numbers - and I could do that because I got my first cell phone 3 weeks prior as a graduation gift.  After we did that she asked me if I was excited for my senior year in high school. I laughed and said yea of course but then I would miss all the fun of the rest of high school. She hesitated and chuckled sheepishly and again pressed me about my senior year. I told her I just graduated 8th grade, I'm going to be a freshmen in high school in August. She froze. Confused, she explained to me that her and her cousin were about to be juniors in high school and she thought I was a year older than her. She then asked how many other people I had fucked, to which I said nobody just you. You could tell she was like wait wtf and in a state of half disbelief, half anger/confused/disgusted. It was a pretty awkward and brief goodbye after that. I walked back to my room still feeling pretty accomplished. I laid down in my bed and realized I gave her a hybrid number that consisted of half of my dads phone number and half of my number. So needless to say never heard from her again.

Haven't been back to Wisconsin dells since. There's a special place in my heart for park benches with bird poop on it; always brings me back to that special night.

 

Accidental Anal

I believe I was a sophomore in high school. I went to a party with my soccer friends. I didn’t know anyone except for three girls there. So, we are all hanging out, getting drunk, smoking hookah, etc. I get pretty fucked up, and there’s this cool black dude that’s been talking to me the whole night. We start hooking up, and he suggests that we go upstairs. Upstairs, its all a blur. We start hooking up (I think he was on top). He’s taking control. He spins me around and we start doing doggy. Then he suddenly pulls out, and I’m a little confused. Then I feel pain like I’ve never felt pain before. Mind you, he's black, so his dick is big, like really big. I don’t know what to do or really how to stop it, so he just keeps going. My little butt cannot take it, so he suggests that I give him a blow job. We take the condom off, because I’m not that trashy, and I start giving him head. Everything is fine, but then he shoves my head down, and that’s just too much for my gag reflex. I throw up on him and that pretty much kills the sex drive. He goes to clean up in the bathroom, and then I do. After I clean up, I run downstairs, and tell my friends that I’m leaving.

Never saw or heard from the guy again.

The end.

 

Plan B-ullshit

In hindsight, my "losing my virginity" story is slightly humorous but, at the time . . . it wasn't.

I was 19 and a freshman in college.  A guy who I knew from high school was in my college town visiting a friend. The guy he was visiting just so happened to live in the same building as me so we all ended up going out together. We hit up some bars, went dancing, typical Saturday night, and then when we got back, the guy and I went back to my room and started making out. I was pretty drunk and was okay with having sex, so we started to.

Well—he was not gentle, and I had tears rolling down my face the whole time, but he didn't know i was a virgin, so I can't really hold anything against him.

Here is the kicker. He stayed the night with me on my plastic twin mattress and then said goodbye and left in the morning. Now, 20 minutes later, I am in the bathroom assessing the damage, in pain and not exactly stoked about how things went down—then my phone goes off and it's a text from him.

It says, "Oh, BTW, I think the condom broke, so you might want to take care of that."

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! I broke down, started crying, and told my roommates the whole story. Well, my roommates were great and they weren't going to stand for this.  So one of my roommates goes down to the cafeteria in our complex and finds him at a table with all of his friends. He says, "Hey, you need to go buy Plan B . . ." Holy awesome friend. Fuck yes.

Well, I was too scared to see him again and I had never had to get Plan B before, and I was not and still have never been on birth control. My roommates were busy, so I called my sister and she came over and I made her go into Walgreens with him so I wouldn't have to.

SO EMBARRASSING.

Anyway, he now knows that I was a virgin when we slept together and says he would have handled it differently. I was hurt at the time, but it has been 5 years and my sex life has improved significantly.

I can't take it back now, so i just have to laugh at it.

 

Groucho Marx

We were getting hot and heavy in my dorm room and my suite mates were in the living room watching a movie with some friends. When I decided I wanted to take things to the next level, my partner and I realized the condoms were in a bowl with a bunch of candy in the living room directly under the TV. I was the one to make the mad dash into the room full of people. I decided to wear a tutu and Groucho Marx mustache/nose glasses as everyone would see me grabbing a condom and know exactly what was going on so why not make it even more obvious. I also snagged some lollipops but it turned out they were the chocolate Tootsie Pop flavor, aka garbage. I remember that more than the sex. Whoops.

 

Division 1

To preface the story, where I'm from, most people lose their virginity between 7th and 9th grade. I know, pretty early. At my high school it was a well-known fact that I was a virgin. People would crack jokes and call me a murderer because I masturbated so much lol. That was like my thing. So fast forward through all the sexless nights of high school to my freshman year of college. I'm a division one football player fresh out of camp, and you could imagine there were some girls who wanted to fuck just because of that. So our first night out of camp and moved into our regular dorms (dorms where girls lived too), I met the girl who would later take my virginity. For whatever reason, I didn't tell her I was a virgin. I made up this elaborate story about how I had lost mine when I was 15 lol.  Now yes, it was a lie, but one could argue that I lost mine when I was three, lol. My mom caught me watching porn with one of my childhood friends with a bunch of food scattered around us. I had found my dad's porn stash, I guess. But since that time, I've been close a few times, but no cigar. Anyway, the first time me and the girl hung out she couldn't understand why I was so excited lol, I said it had just been a while since I had gotten any head lol. She spoiled me—she went down on me until I came. She didn't swallow, she had a trash can right by her bed. It made me think she had planned for this or had done it before lol. But she spit the cum out and grabbed a wet towel to wipe me off—I mean, it was service at its best, lol. A few day later, after a bunch of texts, we had decided it was time for sex. I was so nervous and I didn't know if I was supposed to date her since we were hooking up. I just knew that I wanted sex; I had been wanting this for what seemed like my whole life. It felt like I was transforming that night lol, like a butterfly.  So she came down to the room, and I obviously made a big fuss about needing the room for the night lol so everyone knew what was happening. But she came down and we immediately went at it. She had no shame—she told me exactly what she needed to cum and I was receptive. After we finished we put our clothes on. I was worried that I would have to pledge my fealty with her but she just got up, said she had to grab her laundry, and that we should do that again. We did a few more times over the year, and I finally built up enough courage to tell her that I was a virgin our first time. She didn't believe me. It made me feel good to know that all my years of porn watching and masturbating hadn't been in vain lmao. Or maybe she just liked the idea of saying she just fucked like the typical jock player. Who knows lol.

 

Magnum

I was/am a good ol' Catholic (Cafeteria Catholic/Non-Practicing Catholic). So I was waiting to have sex for the first time with someone I truly cared about. So I go to a large ass state school with some strong beliefs and holding on to that V card with a vise-like grip. Well, come sophomore year, I start hanging out with this girl who had a boyfriend at the time. (Shit is important to remember, lol). So we hang out a lot, and within a month or so, she breaks up with her BF that she had since high school. Long story short, we start to hang out/ date late 1st semester (we didn't officially become BF/GF until spring). So this is my first GF in college. The first time I was able to hang out with a girl without the possibility of being walked in on by parents or siblings. It was awesome. So shit starts happening fast. I was a noob. I had only done the handsy shit. I told her right away that I was a virgin and she respected that. So we came super close. I knew she was going to be my first and I was happy about it. Well. The night finally comes when it happens. A lot of it is a blur. But this is the story I do remember. I remember things getting hot and frisky (great word) in her bed on her silk sheets. (Who the fuck has silk sheets in college?) Clothes are off, we stop. Look at each other. She asks if I want to have sex and if I am sure. I truly cannot express how appreciative I am for her and how patient she was with me. I say yes. She was not on BC, so she tells me that she has condoms under a table on the other side of the room. As I walk across the room, my heart is pounding, I'm ecstatic but nervous as hell. So many thoughts are running through my head—"Will I be any good at this? Will she enjoy it?" The typical virgin thoughts. I reach under the table and feel a few condoms. I pull them out from under. Magnums. Fucking Magnums. Are you shitting me? They were left over from her ex BF. Here I am, standing naked in her room. Already nervous as shit, thinking fuck, I'm just some normal/average virgin who already has no fucking clue what I'm doing and I find out her ex was hung. Great. So we use them. We go at it. And well, as you may have guessed, it didn't last too long and it was OK? Who am I kidding, it probably was awful for her. But it was amazing for me. That is something I will not forget, that first feeling of sex. It was awesome. She was great. Needless to say, I was no good at the beginning. But thanks to her, she helped me along the way and the sex got immensely better and I was always buying normal-sized condoms from then on out. 

Welcome to the Drunk Sex blog!

Hey there, friends! 

Here's the thing: As a sex writer and editor, I sometimes get the chance to do awesome things like go to sexuality conferences, check out Dan Savage's amateur indie porn festival, and meet some of the most fantastic people around, my coworkers included. I also read an inordinate number of sexual books (nonfiction AND fiction), have some amazing sex and relationship conversations, and frequently find myself with more ideas than I can viably fit in my brain. (I also unwittingly ended up with a few too many sex toys, but that's another story.) I have a lot of wine that isn't going to drink itself, so voila—I give you the Drunk Sex blog. (Insert smiley purple devil emoji here.)

I plan on turning this into a digital publication of sorts as Drunk Sex Productions grows, so if we ever cover a topic on the podcast you'd like to know more about, feel free to contact me and request a more in-depth piece or, you know, an explanation in the event we had one too many Slippery Nipples and didn't make any sense at all. I'm happy to put in extra research/interview time for anything you guys are curious about!

Once I get into the swing of podcast production (don't let anyone tell you using a mixer is easy), you can expect more regular pieces here along with guest articles from guests, listeners, and other rad sex writers. 

I should be upfront with you guys about one thing before we get started, though—I cannot promise under any circumstances that these will, in fact, be sober thoughts.

- Katie